Stay Safe With PerfectlySafe®

Pictured: 3D Rendering of the new “Vault-Tech” series PerfectlySafe®

This article is part of our new Seriously, Amazingly True Information Reporting Extravaganza!

In a world of terror, disease, racism, deadly chemicals, horrific accidents, gun violence, and dangerous politics, it can be hard to know how to keep yourself safe…until now!

Introducing the new Extra Strength All-purpose Permanent Safe Room from PerfectlySafe!

No one should have to deal with uncertainty in life, that’s why every PerfectlySafe is built to prevent any potential dangers from going in or out. Our safes protect against every kind of threat imaginable, and we custom-build each safe around the user, permanently sealing out the dangers of the world beyond 3 feet of solid steel and concrete.

Taking care of your safety is our top priority, so every PerfectlySafe product has been tested to the highest standards by running into it with a cement truck at high speed. They are even resistant to deadly neurotoxin and radioactive Fallout. The outside world can never harm you in a PerfectlySafe vault, we guarantee it!

“Let me take care of you. If you follow me, I promise that not one soul will be lost!”

-Lucy F. Ernest, PerfectlySafe CEO

We’ve packed the thickly padded walls of each PerfectlySafe are filled with every amenity you need to ensure you’ll never feel the need to leave. Food is provided automatically, and our PerfectlyClean® organic non-GMO food pellets contain no chemicals, electrons, or atomic elements of any kind.

For your total safety, every PerfectlySafe is equipped with high-speed Wi-Fi with secure firewalls to ensure that your experience is free from all trolling, hate, center-right politics, and heavy-handed satire.

Countless customers are already raving about their PerfectlySafe experience! Check out some of our reviews:

“I love PerfectlySafe! In addition to our masking initiatives, we are currently considering a statewide plan to get every Californian into their own PerfeclySafe device to stop the spread of the terrifying new Alpha and Omega Covid-19 variants.”

-Gavin Newsom, Governor of California until further notice

“PerfectlySafe’s glorious products will keep the Chinese people safe and free. The company has worked directly with the Chinese Communist Party to produce a special “Workers Paradise” model, with a small window that snaps directly into any iPhone production line. Because of PerfectlySafe our secret police enjoy a greatly decreased workload and have had more time to focus on the things that matter, like mobile execution vans and organ-harvesting. Thanks, PerfectlySafe!”

-Xi Jinping, noted critic and scholar of the work of A.A. Milne

Governments across the world are already working toward making their people PerfectlySafe, and you could be next! Prepare for the future, check out our full line of PerfectlySafe products today!

Because everyone has a right to be safe. PerfectlySafe.