Teachers Unions Object to Teaching Critical Theory, as that Might Require Teaching

Brought to you by the Seriously, Amazingly True Information Reporting Extravaganza

In an unexpected reversal, representatives from ten of the U.S.’s major teachers’ unions reversed their position regarding the teaching of critical theory in public schools.

“We have been informed by the media that critical theory is just an academic framework used by legal scholars to analyze disproportionate impacts in law,” said a spokesperson for the American Federation of Teachers. “We cannot imagine placing the burden of explaining to students what those big words mean on our already overworked teachers.”

“We will continue to uphold the values of the AFT: that Black Lives Matter, women’s rights are human rights, science is real and racist, no human is illegal except Cubans, love is love, kindness is everything, and semantically overloaded slogans are preferable to rational discussion of complex issues. We will continue to do our best to ensure that all students can chant these values on demand, but our teachers are simply too underpaid to add teaching to this heavy task.”

The U.S. Secretary of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion criticized the move, saying that it was a “privileged attempt by mostly straight, white, cisgendered teachers to preserve the white supremacy inherent in education,” pointing out that “teaching critical theory doesn’t count as teaching because teaching, by definition, asserts the dominance of white colonialist cisheteropatriarchal narratives which critical theory seeks to dismantle.”

The AFT responded that “we remain committed to dismantling whiteness.” They mentioned that they have a legal fund “ready to go” to expedite the removal of any teacher “who tries to indoctrinate students with white supremacist creeds like the skeptical evaluation of historical narratives based on facts.”

A compromise where students would be assigned books – like Critical Race Theory by Richard Delgato or History of Sexuality by Michel Foucault – but teachers would not be expected to teach students to skeptically evaluate them was rejected when someone pointed out that the average high school student in the U.S. reads below a sixth-grade level. Antiracist Baby by Ibram X. Kendi has been suggested as a possible alternative.

Top Image: Abandoned school in Pripyat, Ukraine. Photo by Jorge Fernández Salas.

Not S.A.T.I.R.E: Dive into woke critical theory’s intellectually upside-down way of thinking in our newest essay, “Woke and Woker: The Shared Thought Processes of Conspiracy Theory and Critical Theory

Joe Biden Challenges Jim Crow to an Arm Wrestling Contest

This article is another installment in our Seriously, Amazingly True Information Reporting Extravaganza!

In a fiery speech last Tuesday, President Biden took aim at Jim Crow, the evil Republican who is responsible for racist voting suppression across the United States.

“I hear that this fella Jim Crow II is doing to go – you know – the thing. It’s un-American and un-democratic!,” said President Biden. “The most un-American threat to our democracy since my pal Jimmy Carter was chased by a giant rabbit. It’s a symbol of Republican racism.”

The President then addressed Crow directly: “Look fatso, if you think you’re the big man on campus, let’s arm wrestle. Let’s see who can eat the most scoops of ice cream. Let’s do whatever you wanna do. But let’s have an arm wrestling contest. If I win, Jim Crow has to get out of town and let my people vote. And if he wins – uhm – well… c’mon, man, he ain’t gonna win.”

Biden also spoke about ending that Jim Crow relic, the filibuster, saying, “If the previous administration had done the work to catch Jim Crow when he stormed the Senate and filibustered President McKinley to death, we wouldn’t have to mobilize trunalimunumaprzure to catch him.”

When White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki was asked at a press conference whether the President was aware that that Jim Crow was not an actual person, but a racist slur based in derogatory pro-slavery caricatures of people of color that were common in early nineteenth-century minstrelsy shows and songs, Psaki responded, “we will circle back to that question.”

Mr. Crow was unavailable for comment.

Top Photo: Detail of Official White House Photo by Adam Schultz

Stay Safe With PerfectlySafe®

Pictured: 3D Rendering of the new “Vault-Tech” series PerfectlySafe®

This article is part of our new Seriously, Amazingly True Information Reporting Extravaganza!

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